Last night was unbelievable.
Ayahuasca took me on a journey backwards through my life. It started with some of the most recent trials and tribulations I’ve been through and gradually took me further and further back through different stages of my life, through childhood, and eventually to an experience of being in my mother’s womb and being born.
It felt as though I was being shown my whole life.
There were things that came up that I want to remember and carry with me, and there were other things I realised I am ready to let go of.
The trauma, the pain, the hardships and the things I have carried for so long, I don’t need to carry all of them anymore.
But the love… the love I want to embrace.
One of the most powerful moments was experiencing myself as a baby, being born and then being held by my mum.
The love I felt in that moment was unbelievable.
It was unlimited. Pure. Complete.
It felt like the most perfect moment of my entire existence. Mum was holding me with so much love, and I could feel this overwhelming love towards her in return.
I experienced memories or sensations of being breastfed by my mum. There was nothing uncomfortable about it whatsoever. It felt completely innocent and pure simply the bond between a mother and her baby.
It reminded me of what love is before life complicates it.
Another incredibly powerful part of the journey was spiritual.
I experienced myself in the presence of our beloved Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.
The feeling was one of complete humility.
I couldn't bring myself to look up. I felt overwhelmed by love, respect and reverence. I remember wanting only to lower myself in humility, kissing his hand and reaching towards his feet.
What stayed with me most was the feeling of his mercy.
An abundance of mercy.
An abundance of love.
And through all of it came this overwhelming message about my deen to stand steadfast in it.
Not to rock from it for even a moment.
There were other powerful spiritual thoughts and words that came through during the experience. I don't feel the need to interpret every image or thought literally. They were part of the journey, and with time I can reflect on what they meant for me.
What mattered most was what I was being brought back to:
Allah.
My deen.
Love.
Mercy.
My parents.
And the person I want to be.
I saw myself washing my mum's feet. Kissing her. Showing her the love and gratitude she deserves.
I saw myself kissing my dad and showing him that same love.
It made me realise how much love we are capable of giving each other and how often, through life, pain, pride, responsibilities and everything else, we forget to actually show it.
We were made to give love and to receive love.
There are things from my past that I cannot change. There are hardships that shaped me, wounds that affected me and experiences that became part of who I am.
But I don't have to keep reliving them.
I can honour what they taught me and let the pain go.
The love stays.
The lessons stay.
My love for my mum and dad stays.
My faith stays.
And perhaps that is what this journey was trying to show me: beneath everything else, beneath the hurt, fear, mistakes, struggles and noise of life, there is love.
Pure love.
And that is what I want to carry forward from this experience.
Love, mercy, gratitude and steadfastness in my deen.
Everything else that no longer serves me, I am ready to let go of.
Alhamdulillah for the experience.
May Allah guide me towards what is good, protect me from what is not, keep me steadfast on my deen, and allow me to show my parents the love and gratitude they deserve while I still have the opportunity.
Peace.